DH: Was there a lesson your dad modeled that you've incorporated into your own parenting?

MH: Integrity was very important to him and I try to pass that on to Hayden.

DH: You did four tours. What was that like?

MH: My first was probably the most defining tour for who I am now and our family. I deployed on my first combat tour in 2005. Hayden, our oldest, was one year old, and Shelly had just found out she was pregnant with Broden. Back in those times, for the 12-month deployments, you would get a two week leave. My commander came to all of us that had wives expecting and said, “We’re going to do the best we can to get you back around the delivery dates, if there’s not an emergency.” I didn’t make it quite on time. I was there right after Broden was born.

"Somebody evaluated Broden and said 'He has autism.' You get hit with shock, depression, and 'I can't believe this is happening. What's the treatment?' 'Well, here's some pamphlets.'"

DH: Is there anything that you or Shelly learned as a result, that you might be able to share with other families, because that's the real world. Our expectations and reality are sometimes not in sync.

MH: In some ways, that probably started to prepare us, a little bit, for Broden's diagnosis, that happened a year and a half later. I think it definitely taught us as an army family, that plans change, and you're really not home until you're home.

DH: It's a matter of managing expectations. Certain things are within your control, and certain things are outside of your control. Maybe, it's a reminder to do the best with the facts that you have, and just move forward. Before Broden's diagnosis, did you or Shelly have any exposure or experience with the special needs community?

MH: I had a cousin that had Down Syndrome, so growing up I was aware of it, but neither one of us was immersed in it.

DH: How did the autism diagnosis come about, and what was your first reaction?

MH: I was at school in Kansas when we began to notice that Broden wouldn’t react to certain things. He had a physician’s assistant assigned through the military that was checking up on him. We thought he might be deaf. In Kansas you get amazing thunderstorms and when the thunder would go off, the dog would bark, we’d all scream and Broden would just sit there. We knew the visual cues were there, because he was very interested in visualization and cartoons, and visual stimulus. We went through a series of hearing tests. The Army actually paid us to go to Omaha, Nebraska, to do an extensive auditory test where they hooked a bunch of electrodes to him. They put him in a quiet room and they monitored him. It was a shock when we got done, and the doctor says, “Your son can hear fine.” “What’s wrong then?” “I can’t really tell you. I just can tell you it’s not his hearing.” We walked out of the hospital and back to the hotel. We were bewildered. Shelly hopped on our laptop and started calling. She got hold of, somebody with the early intervention services in Kansas. They said, “You’ve got to get him into an interdisciplinary team. I don’t want to tell you what I think it is, but if it’s not a physical disability, then it might be something else. An interdisciplinary team will look at all different things.” We went back to his doctor, told her everything, and ended up getting on a wait list. In our world, there are all these wait lists. Shelly would call every day to see if there was an opening. Finally, one day there was an opening, so we went to KU Med. They interviewed Shelly and me. We felt like it was an interrogation. I’m sure many parents have gone through that. “What did he eat? How did he sleep? What did you

do?..." Then somebody was evaluating Broden, and when they got done said, "He has autism." You get hit with: shock, depression, and "I can't believe this is happening." Looking back, Shelly and I would both say, "This is the way ahead. What's the treatment?" I think what floored us was that there wasn't any treatment. There was, "Well, here's some pamphlets. There's this Defeat Autism Now program, and there's this thing called applied behavioral analysis therapy." We walked out of there stunned. Shelly ran to the restroom. I didn't know at the time what was going on, but she says in her book, she was dry heaving, from the stress and everything. That night she starts looking for BCBAs. Wait list. Finally, we found this BCBA, "Okay, I can take a look at him in a couple weeks." That was when we saw a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel.

DH: Were there some fears that you remember experiencing early on, or maybe as things transpired?

MH: My first fear was "Shelly is outrunning me right now, because she's a mom, this is her baby, and she is trying to find ways to fix it." I'm still processing everything. Later, we would find out that I was fighting PTSD. I'd just come back from that first tour. My fear was, "I'm not going to be able to do enough as a dad. I'm not going to be able to pull my weight. I'm not going to be able to keep up with Shelly". After about the first month, I looked at Shelly, "You can't do this all by yourself. How can I help?" We figured out, since I was still in the military, I was going to navigate the military systems. Our healthcare was provided by TRICARE, so I was going to navigate how to get Broden's referrals. We have a program in the military called the Exceptional Family Member Program, and I would enroll us in that. EFMP ensures that I can only get assigned places where Broden can get taken care of. I began to advocate on that side, and Shelly began to be the go-between, between therapists and doctors. She researched who she needed to get a referral to. I'd figure out how to make that happen. It allowed us to share the weight.