While divorce is a difficult and stressful transition in anyone's life, it can also be an opportunity for parents of children with special needs to communicate and work together in a way that best serves the interests of their family. Combined with sound legal counsel and support from others in the community, such as therapists, family and friends, parents can take the right steps to ensure their special needs child's future and emotional stability. •

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

David Bulitt is a shareholder in the suburban Maryland law firm of Joseph, Greenwald & Laake. He is regularly listed among the DC area's top divorce lawyers and was selected by the Maryland Daily Record as a Leader in the Law. David published two novels in 2015 and 2017. He and his wife Julie, a family and couples' therapist, are the authors of two books on marriage and relationships: The newly released Secrets of Strong Couples and the award-winning Five Core Conversations for Couples in 2020. Read more about David at davidbulitt.com and contact him at dbulitt@jgllaw.com.

CO-PARENTING FROM DIFFERENT HOUSEHOLDS : NAVIGATING THE COMPLEXITIES

Here are just a few tips designed to assist parents in navigating the complexities of co-parenting a special needs child from different households:

• RECOGNIZE AND ACCEPT THAT YOU WON'T AGREE ON EVERYTHING. If you did, you might not be separating or getting a divorce in the first place.

GET SUPPORT. Consider having the entire family — parents and kids alike — get support from mental health professionals who have experience working with families going through separation and divorce. For parents with a child with special needs, this is particularly important.

• DON'T LOSE SIGHT OF THE OTHER KIDS. As parents, most of us will focus a great deal of our energy on that child with the special needs, while the other more mainstreamed children take a back seat. Their needs and desires are often minimized or even forgotten about entirely.
• PRESENT A UNITED FRONT. In other words, if it is not okay to have friends sleep over twice in one weekend at one parent's house, then the same rule should apply in the other parent's house. Maintain consistency between the homes.
• COMMUNICATE REGULARLY. Keep each other informed as to any problems, behaviors, other issues or symptoms that are observed, particularly with a child who may be on medication. Never exhibit anger toward the other parent in the presence of the child.
• CHOOSE A LAWYER THAT HAS EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH SPECIAL NEEDS FAMILIES. Someone who understands the intricacies and challenges that your family faces will be better able to develop a Parenting Plan that is more sensitive to your family's needs and, if necessary, understand how to appropriately advocate your position should you end up in court.

Be realistic in terms of the amount of time that you are able to solely parent. For example, if you are a full-time worker with travel obligations during the week, it is not likely that you will be able to manage a week-on - week-off access schedule for the children, and you may need to consider other practical ways to maximize your off time with them.

• REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE HUMAN. These kids take up enormous amounts of work, diligence and energy. Tack that on top of full-time work and maintaining a household on your own, and a parent can be overwhelmed. Self-care is a must. Make time for yourself.
• TRY TO ESTABLISH ACHIEVABLE AND UNDERSTANDABLE SCHEDULES AND ROUTINES FOR YOUR CHILDREN. If possible, both parents' households should include comfortable spaces for the children that they consider "theirs." Many kids with autism disorder or behavioral issues need to have a safe space.
• TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THE SEPARATION IN A WAY THEY WILL UNDERSTAND. Tell them you love them.
• WHEN IT COMES TO THE PARENTING PLAN, work with your lawyer to establish a firm procedure that allows for significant decisions to be made without undue delay or harm to the children. In other words, where the two of you have agreed to "joint custody" be sure to address how decisions are to be made when there is disagreement. Does one parent have tie-breaking authority? Do the parents work with a mediator to decide or consult with an expert in the area of dispute? There are any number of ways to handle this process, but it most definitely needs to be discussed and should be included in the parenting plan.

• FINALLY, YOUR PARENTING PLAN SHOULD BE MALLEABLE. Children are not static creatures. They grow and change as do their needs and their desires. With special needs kids, this is an even more acute issue. Today it might be best for a child to live primarily with one parent, but in three years, there may have been changes in the family dynamics and that child would be better served by living primarily with the other parent. What about care or medications or schools? Your parenting plan should include provisions that anticipate and plan for these possible changes.