DIVORCE AND THE SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD

BY DAVID BULITT

Divorce in and of itself is an emotional, challenging and life-changing process. Individuals going through divorce experience higher rates of cancer, heart disease, diabetes and other chronic ailments. Mental illness, substance abuse, insomnia and depression also increase during the course of and subsequent to a divorce. And that is just the adults. The statistics for children of separation and divorce are staggering – increased depression, anger, anxiety, loneliness, impulsive behaviors and acting out – just to name a few.

For children with Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder ("ADHD") and/or other behavioral and emotional challenges, the difficulties increase. Kids with these types of special needs frequently struggle with executive functioning difficulties, they are often disorganized, they lose things – like homework assignments, backpacks, lunches and clothing. For a special needs child who is now tasked with moving back and forth between two homes, the demands of staying connected with friends and keeping up in school can be overwhelming. Even wearing clean clothes, getting up in the morning or taking a bath are often daunting exercises.

ADHD is a very common neurodevelopmental childhood disorder. While ADHD symptoms generally start in children before age 12, they can be noticeable as early as 3 years of age. Parents who are in the midst of a divorce often disagree on some of the basic tenets of parenting: bedtimes, sleepovers, exercise, how much time to watch TV or play video games. When those parents have a child who exhibits ADHD, behavioral or other mental health symptoms, there is often conflict over their child's diagnosis and any appropriate treatment, as well.

My wife is a family therapist with expertise in diagnosis and treatment of children and adults with ADHD. One of our daughters was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age and that led to a series of evaluations, doctors, medications and other protocols. It also led to years of fighting over the appropriate way to help our daughter. Our marriage survived, but the disagreement remains. Had we separated and divorced, however, it is certainly possible that our divergent views of how to manage and treat our daughter may have ended up inside a courtroom for someone wearing a black robe to decide.

For couples with a special needs child who are facing separation and divorce, the potential for continued divisiveness and conflict remains a constant. If the divorcing couple is willing to see the other parent's perspective – whether they agree with it or not – and not just be willing, but dedicated, to find a way to communicate and work through those differences, they can minimize the adverse effects of the divorce on their children.