LEARNING FROM MY MISTAKES : A NARRATIVE FROM AN ANONYMOUS MARINE

Editor's Note: This narrative was written by the same concerned U.S. Marine Corps Noncommissioned Officer (NCO) veteran who contributed to the first installment in the series about traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress disorder, and related health issues, which appeared in the March 2022 issue of EP. The piece describes the experiences of this Marine veteran attempting to cope with traumatic experiences undergone during his time in combat, his subsequent struggle with substance abuse, and his road to recovery.

The first time I ever used a substance, it was a 10mg Valium. I was at my old job. My boss was a Vietnam veteran, and he had a prescription. I was extremely stressed out one day, and my boss said, “Try one of these.” He gave me the Valium, and I felt like a million dollars. After I experienced that, I went to my doctor and told him, “I’ve been feeling great stress, and is there any way you can help me relieve it?” She wrote me a prescription for 10mg of Valium, and I didn’t take it every day. I would take it once a month and increased the dosage anywhere from 20mg to 30mg and finally got up to 100mg in one sitting, but once a month. When I was on Valium, I would lie on my couch and listen to music by Pink Floyd. I would try to do this before my wife came home from work so that she wouldn’t see that I was altered. But still, I wasn’t using it every day. Then I would go back to the doctor and get another prescription. I went infrequently so that I would not be red flagged. This went on for six months. I switched doctors, and he was even more willing to write me prescriptions. He prescribed 10mg of Valium. This went on for a few years. Two years ago, I started getting sick a lot and had a few physical problems that required painkillers. First, I was prescribed Percocet, then OxyContin, and finally Vicodin. Then I started mixing drugs. I wouldn’t be taking the prescribed amounts. I would be taking much more

At that point, my wife started to notice that I was out of it. She warned me that I shouldn’t be taking too many medications. As my health worsened, I finally got to a point where I was out of it for a month. My wife left me at this time, since I had become uncontrollable. At that point, I went to rehabilitation, stopped taking these drugs, and went to a new psychiatrist who prescribed antidepressants and antianxiety medications. I was prescribed a large dosage of Ativan, and I went through a month’s supply in a week. I was drinking and taking antianxiety medications. I was on a real binge. While I was abusing drugs, my judgment was very impaired. Finally, I ran out of my antianxiety medication and my psychiatrist would not refill my prescriptions due to his understanding that I was abusing them. For three weeks, I was living in hell, going through withdrawal. I was circling around my dining room table in a panic, feeling like I was going to die. It was through prayer that I made it through the experience. Humans have free will. I asked God for the strength to turn away from drugs, but I had to be willing to do the work. I prayed for help and wisdom. I had hit rock bottom, and it was a real eye opener. I went to my psychiatrist, and I confessed that I couldn’t be trusted with large amounts of drugs. I asked for a lower dose of a medication that instead of providing instant relief would provide long-term relief. This was Klonopin. I could not abuse drugs anymore. I have to take medications as they are prescribed. I bought seven-day pill holders, designating morning, afternoon, evening, etc. It structured the taking of the medication for me.

I’ve been a balanced individual ever since. I now am thinking clearly. I’m happy instead of being totally emotionless; I now feel joy. I started going out and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, like taking singing lessons. And I feel more productive at work. Also, I don’t lose my temper the way that I used to. This new regimen, in tandem with therapy, has really helped me change my life for the better. I can have a conversation that gets to a point of disagreement and can now express myself calmly instead of becoming angry. This was not easy for me before. I also stopped drinking, since I understood that drinking was a catalyst to craving the other substances. They go hand in hand. I am clean and sober, although taking medication as prescribed by my psychiatrist. What I would strongly recommend is instead of taking pills out of the bottle, get one of those weekly pill containers, since when I was abusing them I would take a few out of the bottle, not realizing how quickly I was consuming them. Now, I have stopped abusing drugs and feel great. I’ve improved communication with my family and friends. Again, taking medication as prescribed, I am feeling stable and at peace. If conflicts arise, I can handle them in a spirit of equanimity as opposed to angry confrontation. The only time that I do express my rage is in therapy, which is a safe holding environment and is within reason. In other words, I don’t get up and punch my therapist!!

I’ve been a balanced individual ever since. I now am thinking clearly. I’m happy instead of being totally emotionless; I now feel joy. I started going out and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, like taking singing lessons. And I feel more productive at work. Also, I don’t lose my temper the way that I used to. This new regimen, in tandem with therapy, has really helped me change my life for the better. I can have a conversation that gets to a point of disagreement and can now express myself calmly instead of becoming angry. This was not easy for me before. I also stopped drinking, since I understood that drinking was a catalyst to craving the other substances. They go hand in hand. I am clean and sober, although taking medication as prescribed by my psychiatrist. What I would strongly recommend is instead of taking pills out of the bottle, get one of those weekly pill containers, since when I was abusing them I would take a few out of the bottle, not realizing how quickly I was consuming them. Now, I have stopped abusing drugs and feel great. I’ve improved communication with my family and friends. Again, taking medication as prescribed, I am feeling stable and at peace. If conflicts arise, I can handle them in a spirit of equanimity as opposed to angry confrontation. The only time that I do express my rage is in therapy, which is a safe holding environment and is within reason. In other words, I don’t get up and punch my therapist!!

Therapy and psychopharmacologic agents have made a huge difference in my recovery. And, again, I really recommend that weekly medicine container, since it has made a huge difference for me, since it kept me on the straight and narrow in taking my prescriptions in a correct fashion. What I went through, I don’t want anyone else to go through. Get help before you lose your family, job, and all that is important to you. We are military men and women, and we know what self-discipline is. We should remember our training and practice that self-discipline that was instilled in us to get us out of this mire. I would also recommend speaking to a professional about your problems and what you’ve been through. When I did so, it opened the pressure cooker and all that rage which had built up inside of me started to release in a positive way as opposed to a destructive one. When you are doing drugs or drinking to excess, you are only masking the pain and anger that you are feeling. You are hurting yourself. It is simple: If you were feeling good and happy, you would not be taking drugs or drinking excessively since you wouldn’t feel the need. As a Marine veteran NCO (Noncommissioned Officer) who cares about his brothers at arms, learn from my experience. I am not fully recovered from all that I’ve been through, but this problem will not defeat me.