Feelings

Typical emotions people identify as feeling are happy, sad, or angry, but if we are able to dig deeper to identify more specifically what we are feeling, we can begin to explore why and how it affects us and our relationships.

Andy Williams' 1970s song "Feelings" plays in my head as I think about what I've been experiencing this holiday into the beginning of this year, 2022. I understood Jim Gaffigan on CBS Sunday Morning when he stated that he was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that the year is 2022. Jim and I have something in common. We both have a child graduating high school this year. He describes the moment in kindergarten when, as a parent, you hear, "Here is our class of 2022!" I giggle when I think of that moment at Fort Hood, TX when Hayden started kindergarten at Grace Lutheran. Broden, Hayden's brother, was only three years old at the time, working on potty training. Jim is right. The year 2022 was so far into the future. Weren't we supposed to be transporting ourselves around in flying cars like the Jetsons by 2020?

Knowing that this Christmas was going to be the last Christmas with both of my children living at home, I continued to try to live in the moment, hoping not to forget any experience, no matter how small. Hayden continued to roll his eyes when I would say, “This will be the last Christmas dinner with you living at home with us,” or “This will be the last time you walk downstairs to see what Santa brought you before you go to college.” To set the tone, Andy Williams should have been in our living room singing his song “Feelings” as I reminded Hayden of how

my heart was bleeding this past holiday.

I've been having more conversations with moms who are either dealing with similar experiences as I am right now or who have experienced it before and who have made it to the other side somewhat still intact. Spoiler alert, apparently, parenting doesn't get any easier when they get older, typical, or with special needs. I'm so glad no one told me this when Hayden was in kindergarten while Broden was still in potty training.

TEARDROPS ROLLING DOWN: "As I hold my oldest child tighter and experience panic attacks at the idea of him going to college seven hours away from me, I celebrate my son with autism's achievements of becoming more self-sufficient."

Ignorance is bliss. The more I think about it, I should have worked on some yoga and stayed limber this year, since I will be stretching to try and meet each of my child's needs for growth as one prepares to leave the house and move to college while my youngest is still learning to independently take a shower at 15 years old. Time and time again I'm coming back to the same theme raising my two boys, one who is typical and one who has

severe autism. Both are in my world, but seem to be on such different paths as they develop.

As I hold my oldest child tighter and experience panic attacks at the idea of him going to college seven hours away from me, I celebrate my son with autism's achievements of becoming more self-sufficient. I tell Hayden to be slow to anger and think before he speaks, but celebrate when Broden yells, "No!" when he doesn't want to go outside and go for a walk. Christmas evening, Broden didn't like the blanket and pillow we bought him for his room so he dragged them downstairs and threw them on the couch. He then stomped up the stairs. I smiled and thought, "I love how he took the initiative to control his environment! This is progress."

If my typical son would have done that, I would have lectured him about how he needed to be sensitive to my feelings and a simple, “I don’t care for this blanket,” would have sufficed. My boys are so different, which means the way I interact with them is different. My two boys continue to be on their own paths. Their paths are unique in their own way and I need to recognize that I can’t control either of them. I find myself in two different worlds in the same room at the same time.

Brene Brown’s new book, Atlas of the Heart was published just for me. Well,