"I'm not doing thIs for shock value. It's important because we people on the spectrum are very literal-mInded. and relatIonshIps are very complicated. but sex, whIch can be so IntImIdatIng for our folks, Is really not that complicated, and combInIng the two subjects of relatIonshIps and sex, as we so often do, Is just kind of mean."

a very new kind of sex book for people with autism "…and beyond!"

AN EP MAGAZINE INTERVIEW

Exceptional Parent Magazine recently interviewed frequent EP columnist, Michael John Carley, on his third and newest book, The Book of Happy, Positive, and Confident Sex for Adults on the Autism Spectrum…and Beyond! Michael John is currently the Consultant for Disability Inclusive Culture at New York University, the former founding Executive Director of both GRASP and ASTEP (now "Integrate") in New York City, a longtime K-12 school consultant, a former UN NGO Representative at the UN, and in 2000 he and his oldest son were both diagnosed on the spectrum within one week of each other.

IMAGE COURTESY MICHAEL JOHN CARLEY/NEURODIVERSITY PRESS

EP Magazine: Ok, before we get to the "sex," Michael John, why "…and Beyond!"?

Michael John Carley: I know that there are a lot more people out there for whom sex is a scary topic, and I didn't want them to think the book wasn't for them just because they didn't have an autism diagnosis. The book is appropriate for tons of non-apparent disabilities, for anyone who is neurodiverse, or just has a lot of anxiety around the subject. There are plenty of people who don't need a diagnosis to find sex really intimidating.

EP Magazine: We asked an associate of yours what was different about your book from prior special needs sex books, and she laughed and said "Everything." Is this true? And if so, how?

MJC: Well, maybe. I've written in more than one publication about how I strongly feel the autism world is surprisingly sex-negative, and so by contrast it certainly will appear that way. First off, it's a book that focuses on sex. Just. Sex. Not relationships. Sex. And I'm not doing this for shock value. It's important because we people on the spectrum are very literal-minded. And relationships are very complicated. But sex, which can be SO intimidating for our folks, is really not that complicated, and combining the two subjects of relationships and sex, as we so often do, is just kind of mean. The topic of sex involves this number of nerve endings in the frenulum, and this number of nerve endings in the clitoris, and this number in the anus…If all you needed to be confident was a book that focused primarily on physically pleasing another person, then why have we never before given them that book?

EP Magazine: But that almost makes it sound like a science book, and your book is not that, right?

MJC: (Laughs) True. I don't abandon cultural commentary, that's for sure. So where is it different? Let me give you some bullet points to print:

• For one thing, it's for people who already know the rules about how not to get an unwanted pregnancy, an STD, how not to go to jail as a stalker or yourself allow yourself to be abused. I do this because people need to understand that sex is about pleasure, and bonding. I'm lucky. Autistic people like me sometimes don't have great reciprocal love affairs, great careers, or great kids. But short of medical conditions, everyone of us can have sex. So sex might be the best thing we'll ever experience. And yet we teach it with constant fear disclaimers…. I'm trying not to shelve imperative lessons, but instead, with my book, I am asking that those conversations (and I say this in some preliminary notes in the book) be put into categories other than sex. STDs and pregnancies? Put them under health, not sex. Avoiding stalking charges should be filed under learning about the law, not sex. Sexual assault is about the law (if not violence), not sex. Otherwise, we say to the literal-minded spectrumite, "Sex is great! BUT…" Well, my book doesn't say "BUT…" I want people to hear the word "sex," and think, "Yay!"

• My Foreword writer, the brilliant sex genius, Dr. Michelle Ballan, calls it the most LGBTQ-friendly book of its kind." That means a lot to me.

Title: The Book of Happy, Positive, and Confident Sex for Adults on the Autism Spectrum… and Beyond!

Author: Michael John Carley

Publisher: Neurodiversity Press

Publication Date: April 2021

ISBN-13: 9781735696607

Available at: neurodiversitypress.com

• My brilliant illustrator, "Ha!" has over 70 how-to drawings (not photos) throughout the book. But the people in his drawings aren't super-models. There are people of all ages, body types, colors, and orientations. • Ok, so while it's not about relationships, there is a chapter on whether monogamy is right for you, and what are the alternatives (as polyamory comes in many variants…)

• Sexual orientation is not discussed through an "It's ok if you're gay" lens. Nobody should need yours or my permission as that, too, empowers the bigots. In general, our society's messy-headed attitudes towards sex stem from our attempts to culturally-control that which can never be controlled… except by biology and natural arousal.

• Asexuality is covered, whether you're a romantic within your asexuality or not.

• Masturbation, being so central in the lives of spectrumites, is discussed herein as an opportunity for self-love.

EP Magazine: So this IS a different book.

MJC: And yet, it's really not. I honestly don't have anything original to say in the whole book. This book is really just a translation of all that the neurotypical sex world has known about, written about, and printed, but that has never been filtered through into the world of non-apparent disabilities.

EP Magazine: How much of this book comes from first person experience?

MJC: By agreement with my wife, and outside of generalities, I have shared nothing other than an experience with erectile pills in the section on aging. I will state however, that if I did share my sexual experiences, readers might be disappointed. I'm fairly "vanilla" as they say. But I'm also a pluralist who knows that my ways of doing things do not work for everyone.

EP Magazine: Where can people get this book? I know you've made it hard to purchase.

MJC: (Laughs) Yes. My publisher, Neurodiversity Press, won't sell through Amazon. They're going to rob their authors of Amazon dollars, but I couldn't be more supportive of them. Neurodiversity Press will need people's word of mouth to survive. I'm Neurodiversity Press's first book, so we'll see if this works. The url to purchase is neurodiversitypress.com/product-category/books but people should explore the whole site at neurodiversitypress.com. It's a very cool company utilizing a very sensory-friendly website.

EP Magazine: Final thoughts?

MJC: Very few people are having "too much sex." The vast majority of us are not having enough. And nobody suffers from low selfesteem when they're having an orgasm.•

More info can be found on Michael John Carley's website at michaeljohncarley.com/index.php/full-bio.html.