SHELLY HUHTANEN

Baggage

Broden's team has not only helped him, but they have also helped me. As his team encourages him to grow, it is also giving me strength to let the past go.

"Your journey will be lighter and easier if you don't carry your past with you." I was reminded of this recently when I was approached by one of Broden's RBT's (Registered Behavior Technicians) about modifying how I pack his lunches each day. She sat me down when I arrived at the clinic at the end of the day. "Shelly, we need to talk. I talked to Broden's team and we need to take another step with Broden's food plan. Broden is 12 years old." The RBT who presented the new plan for meal preparation is the one who reminds me that Broden is a child first, who just happens to have autism.

"Why don't you try sending Broden's lunch similar to a typical 12-year-old boy?" I was confused at first and she knew that she would have to spell it out for me. She tilted her head down and looked me in the eye, "Do you need to cut up his hot dogs and apples into little squares?" I told her that I was scared that he would choke. She then smirked and responded, "You cut his grapes in half! You cut his blackberries in half!" I started to see her point. Since Broden had started his food intervention at two years old, I had continued to cut up every food item that I put into his lunch.

I sat in the chair and started to look at the floor. At that moment I came to the conclusion that the problem had resided with me over the last decade and it had everything to do with guilt. My obsession over packing his lunch and making sure every food item could be ingested by a two- year-old stems from a choking incident that happened when he was two (from a piece of chicken) and the feeling of approval that I am good enough to be his mom.

About ten years ago, our family was staying in a hotel traveling from Alaska to Kansas. During dinner in the hotel room, I let Broden sit between my legs on the floor and he started to choke. I didn't notice at first that he was choking because he was sitting with his back to me. Mark was the one who noticed. I tried to help Broden, but was unsuccess ful so Mark grabbed him and was able to do the Heimlich to free Broden's airway. I became frantic and felt helpless as I stood there not being able to do anything as I watched Mark try to open Broden's airway. My sense of helplessness was too much to bear. Not think ing clearly, I opened up the door and ran down the hall screaming. Still, to this day, my actions are trivial to me, but at the time it seemed to be the only thing I could do. That feeling of helplessness has haunted me for years. Even to this day, I will not leave the house if an adult is not watching Broden eating anything that I think could be a potential choking hazard.

My feelings of helplessness and not feeling like I could measure up as a parent continued. Months later after the choking incident, Broden's screaming at night had escalated. We were settled into our house at Fort Leavenworth and I could tell something wasn't quite right with Broden. During nights when Broden would scream, Mark and I would have the flashlight in his mouth to rule out possible strep. We would apply pressure to his abdomen and would notice it felt tight. Was it his appendix? We would never know because Broden couldn't tell us. The only thing we did know was that he was in pain. Many times, we would make the decision to take him to the local ER to the decision to take him to the local ER to have him checked because if it was serious and it went overlooked, we would never forgive ourselves. One night, Minutes later, the doctor came back in, Broden had been screaming and was in so much pain, he grabbed his hair and pulled it out and then grabbed mine and pulled mine out. Mark said, "Take him in. He's in pain." Normally they would tell us it was gas, drug him up, and then send him home. This time, it just seemed different. Was it strep? We weren't sure so I put him in the car in the middle of the night and rushed him to the ER. Broden was hysterical. The doctor checked him out and then left the room.

Minutes later, the doctor came back in, "I don't know, mom. I've looked at your son's records. I'm about to turn you in to social services." I was shocked. He accused me of trying to hurt my son. He left the room again and I called Mark right away. His parents were in town so they were able to watch Hayden. Mark came up to the ER for support. The doctor stepped into the room to see Mark there ready to confront him. The doctor turned around and walked out of the room. We never saw him again. A week later r, Broden was diagnosed with autism and severe food allergies. At least we had answers and could move forward with helping him.

The road has been long, but I'm grateful that Broden has responded to his food intervention and his weight is steady. Broden's team has not only helped him, but they have also helped me. I am glad that I felt comfortable with his RBT and confessed to her as to why I had been so overbearing with his food. As his team encourages him to grow, it is also giving me strength to let the past go. After we both agreed that Broden needed to move forward with his eating plan, his RBT started to walk out of the waiting room. She turned to me and said, "You are Broden's mom, so he's going to be just fine. Don't worry." I needed to hear that. There's a popular quote that states, "Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who cares for you enough to help you unpack." Thankfully I'm surrounded around people who care. •

PUZZLES & CAMO Shelly Huhtanen is an Army wife stationed at Fort Benning, GA who has a child with autism. She enjoys sharing her experiences of day-to-day life caring for her son with autism while serving as an Army spouse. She authored "Giving a Voice to the Silent Many" that encompasses many stories of raising a child with autism in the military. Shelly is passionate about autism advocacy for our military and works to bring awareness to our local legislators and command about providing better support for our military autism community, such as better health care and education.