WHEN MOM HAS CANCER, KIDS ARE PART OF THE JOURNEY

BY JONI RODGERS

Once upon a time, I was a power mommy who had everything under control. That fairy tale imploded in 1994, when I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, a virulent blood cancer. I was 32 years old. My son Malachi was 7; my daughter Jerusha was 5. As my husband Gary and I muddled through the physical, emotional, and financial devastation of chemo, we struggled to keep our kids' world from falling apart. We didn't always get it right, but we learned three key lessons that made us better parents in the long run.

COMMUNICATE

Our kids were smart enough to know something was up. We knew if we weren't open about it, they'd be certain of only two things: 1) Something's terribly wrong. 2) Grownups lie. Better to have them know that, through all life's uncertainties, they could always count on straight answers from us. When they asked, "Are you going to die?" I answered truthfully: "Not today."

CREATE OPPORTUNITIES FOR EMPOWERMENT

When chemo turned my stomach inside out, Jerusha would stand outside the bathroom, yelling, "Joni Rodgers! You stop that!" And when I couldn't stop, she just cried. Someone she loved was in pain, and it made her feel helpless. As much as I wanted to protect her, I had to open the door. Holding a cold washcloth against my forehead made her feel proactive, trusted, and able to make a difference.

FIND TANGIBLE WAYS TO HONOR FEAR AND LOSS

It was scary for my kids to see my appearance change dramatically during chemo. When my hair started falling out, I let them help me divide it into ten long braids and cut them off close to my scalp. Malachi and I used them to make a dreamcatcher with a metal hoop, found feathers, dried grass, and other yard treasures. Before chemo, Jerusha loved to brush my hair. After I was completely bald, I let her "tattoo" flowers on my head with watercolor markers. These little rituals helped us sort through some big feelings.

It was a lot to

process – for all of us. It took a while for Gary and me to understand that we had to accept ourselves, each other, and life in general, as perfectly imperfect. We never took family time for granted, never hesitated to express our love. Every semester, we took the kids out of school for a day trip, to see a movie, or just hang out for a mental health day.

FAST FORWARD 25 YEARS

Today Malachi is a horticulturist in Denver. His wife is a psychotherapist, and they have a completely wonderful 5-year-old daughter. Jerusha traveled the world for several years after college, and now works for a credit union in Germany. They grew up to be kind, creative adults who tell me that this difficult part of their childhood made them stronger and more empathetic.

The same is true for Gary and me.

I wish we'd had a chance to know what our family would be like if we'd never been touched by cancer, but I have to acknowledge that this difficult time of turbulence and growth made us better parents, because it made us better people. •

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Joni Rodgers is a critically acclaimed novelist, a bestselling memoirist and a sought-after celebrity ghostwriter. Her iconic titles include Bald in the Land of Big Hair, Crazy for Trying and Sugarland. An EGOT ghostwriter — having worked with Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony winners — she's had multiple titles debut on the New York Times bestseller list, a recent title at #1 and the newfound control writers can wield over their careers by releasing the Sixo Collection — fresh editions of her first six books. She lives on the beach in Washington State and is celebrating turning sixty and surviving cancer. Her memoir Bald in the Land of Big Hair (HarperCollins 2001) is available on jonirodgers.com and wherever books are sold.