Our impulse to stare at them might stem from fear or nerves. For me, I think it is more about curiosity, wanting to understand, rather than to judge. We learn at a very young age to categorize people. Are you short or tall? Do you have brown eyes or blue? So, when we see someone who has a prominent scar or is missing a limb, the inclination is to let our eyes linger on this one feature, something we are not accustomed to seeing in everyday life.

I was born with a craniofacial difference and, as a child, I didn't like it when kids stared at me. I would look away. I did not want to talk about my differences; I wanted to blend in. However, that started to change when I was in my early twenties. I joined a group called the Inner Faces, and all of its members had craniofacial differences like me. Together, we wrote and performed a show telling the story of our lives. For many of us, it was the first time stepping on stage and publicly sharing our stories of growing up with craniofacial differences. After each performance, we had "talkback" sessions with the audience, and I recall someone saying that it felt like she had permission to stare and really see us, something that she wouldn't normally feel comfortable doing.

It has taken me many years, but I now realize that it is naive to think that people, especially children, won't notice differences. We all have things that make us unique and I think noticing them can actually be healthy. What isn't healthy is having a negative reaction to these attributes.

I am the Director of Family Programs at myFace, a leading non-profit organization that helps children and adults with craniofacial differences lead full and productive lives. One of the things that I do is share my own story with students from kindergarten through high school and encourage them to choose kindness and be an active upstander instead of a passive bystander. One of the things that we explore is how to address the anxiety or distress that some might experience as a result of seeing someone different than themselves. There have been laughs. There have been stares. There have even been tears. But I believe children, while sometimes careless, are not naturally cruel. There is one thing we

tell them repeatedly, and it has been well received at every single school we've been to: "It is okay to notice someone who looks different. But you have the power to choose your words and choose a kind reaction to difference."

We teach the kids to ask respectful questions and use thoughtful words. Rather than staring, or laughing, or asking, "What's wrong with you?" we suggest alternative questions like, "May I ask you about your face?" "May I ask why you're different?" "May I ask about your scar?" We explain that many of our myFace kids are happy to share this information, while others would prefer to get to know someone first, and that's okay, too. When we say this, there seems to be a feeling of relief from both the kids – and the adults – in the audience, because it validates their observations and questions.

But how do you react when there is no time for a conversation? A parent once asked my colleague after a presentation, “What is a kind reaction if you see someone who looks different but it’s not on the playground or at school? What if you’re never going to see that person again but you get caught staring?”

My colleague thought for a moment, because our focus is largely on relating to people with differences in long-term settings. What if you react to someone different on the street? On the subway? At a stoplight? How do you choose kindness if your interaction is only going to be fleeting?

Her response was, “Most of all, don’t ignore the person. Don’t look away. Don’t deliberately pretend they aren’t there. That erases a basic element of human interaction that we all crave.” If you have time, say hello.

And here's something I truly think would have an impact. If you get caught staring, smile and say, "I'm sorry for staring." That's it. That's the beginning of choosing kindness. Smiling.•

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

As Director of Family Programs at myFace, Dina Zuckerberg brings her life experience growing up with a craniofacial difference to the programs she helps implement for the individuals and families they serve. Whether it's through their emotional support groups, online educational series, family networking events, or public awareness initiatives, her goal is to advocate for the craniofacial community and make sure their voices are heard. She wants everyone with a facial difference to know that they are not alone. She hosts a monthly podcast, "myFace, myStory: Voices from the Craniofacial Community."