PUZZLES & CAMO

SHELLY HUHTANEN

Two Worlds: The Teenage Years

Two Worlds: The Teenage Years Raising two boys, one that is typical and one with special needs, can still feel like I'm living in two worlds. These two worlds can be very different, but somehow, there is a space where they connect, a space where there are similarities.

There are many differences in raising a typical child and a child with special needs, but lately I've noticed the similarities. I've written in the past about my feelings of whiplash, and felt as if I'm not living in one world, but two worlds. With my typical son, I'm interacting with parents who also have typical children and our discussions consist of school sports, sleep-overs, balancing computer time with homework, or who is dating whom. Three hours later, I'm talking with an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) about our son with special needs, expanding his food repertoire, vocal stereotypy, or the decision that he is officially considered "non-diploma track" that will influence the rest of his academic journey. There are so many differences, and as we travel into the teenage years with both of our boys, this trend continues.

Our typical son, Hayden, is now 16 years old and a junior in high school. Keeping grades up and practicing for the SAT and ACT exams are the topic of discussion. Where does he want to go to college? Does he want to apply to colleges far away from us? If so, how will I cope with my inability to reach him if he needs us? He is now in the process of learning how to drive and will soon take driver's education classes. The thought of our son driving on the highway with heavy traffic gives me an ulcer, but I know it will need to happen someday. Dragging him into the kitchen to show him how to scramble his own eggs in the morning, or luring him into the laundry room to ensure he knows how to properly sort his laundry are daily occurenses in our house. Will our son be ready to leave the nest confidently enough to be on his own? We ask this question to ourselves every day.

Our other son, Broden, is 14 years old and his list of skills to become more independent are very different. Walking by sprinklers has always been an issue, because he does not like the way the water leaves the sprinkler head. This aversion to sprinklers bleeds into taking a shower. Our goal for him is to eventually be able to take a shower himself. Every morning, I jump in the shower with a sports bra and gym shorts on and work with him to desensitize the feeling of being in the shower. Progress has been slow, but steady. A few months ago, it was difficult for him to hold his hand under the water with water coming from the shower head. Now, we have worked our way into the shower with the showerhead in my hand while I wash his hair. This is great progress, and I'm hopeful that someday, I'll be able to slowly fade myself out of the shower and provide him his own space to shower himself that he surely needs.

QUALITY TIME: "One minute I'm talking to Hayden about getting his driver's license and that he needs to study some more for the SAT, the next minute he's laying his head on my chest asking me to play with his hair because he wants some "mom time."

Independence is key for Broden, just like Hayden, but it looks different. As Hayden is learning how to scramble his eggs and cook other meals, Broden is learning how to program the air fryer so he can cook his own chicken nuggets or hot dogs. While Hayden has his list of chores around the house, we have made sure to give Broden his own too. Broden is now responsible for going to the mailbox to get the mail. Both of our boys are working towards independence, but it looks a little different.

Broden will most likely not be going to college like Hayden, but we still talk about what he could be doing next in his life.

Even though he is severely autistic, he still has a future. The difference is that it will be Broden's future, but a future that is not any less significant than Hayden's.

Even though there has been a focus on our boys building independence, I have still been very selfish in keeping those moments that remind us that they will always be my boys and I will always be their mom. After I work with Broden in the shower, I will wrap Broden in a long-hooded towel that his Nana made him. He will curl up into a ball in his towel on my lap. Sometimes I will sing to him, and there are days when I will just hum. The other day, he put his hand on my chest, looked up at me and said, "I love you." I have small windows of time when Broden will let me into his world and this is one of them. I don't know when I'll be able to let that time go. It means too much to me. With Hayden, I "I have small windows of time when Broden will let me into his world. I don't know when I'll be able to let that time go. It means too much to me.

With Hayden, I "I have small windows of time when Broden will let me into his world. I don't know when I'll be able to let that time go. It means too much to me." have those moments too. One minute I'm talking to him about getting his driver's license and that he needs to study some more for the SAT, the next minute he's laying his head on my chest asking me to play with his hair because he wants some "mom time". If he seems to be doubting himself, I'll remind him that I wanted to be his mom so bad 16 years ago, and I still do. Similar to Broden, I don't think I'll ever tell Hayden he can't have "mom time" because that time is just as important to me as it is to him.

Raising two boys, one that is typical and one with special needs, can still feel like I'm living in two worlds. These two worlds can be very different, but somehow, there is a space where they connect, a space where there are similarities. With both of my boys, there will be moments where I connect with them at their level when we are both reminded that I will always be their mom and they will always be my boys. Both boys are growing more independent each day. •

PUZZLES & CAMO

Shelly Huhtanen is an Army wife stationed at Fort Benning, GA who has a child with autism. She enjoys sharing her experiences of day-to-day life caring for her son with autism while serving as an Army spouse. She authored "Giving a Voice to the Silent Many" that encompasses many stories of raising a child with autism in the military. Shelly is passionate about autism advocacy for our military and works to bring awareness to our local legislators and command about providing better support for our military autism community, such as better health care and education.