PUZZLES & CAMO 

SHELLY HUHTANEN

What Team are You On? I'm on everyone's team. We're writing the parenting manual as we go, and the only way we can ensure that we are doing the best we can is to listen to our heart, our gut, and be cognizant of what our child is trying to communicate to us may it be through words or behavior.

Parenting is hard. Especially when your child doesn't come with a manual. Believe me, I've asked a few parents if they received a cheat sheet that somehow Mark and I didn't get when our children were born. Some parents seem to have all the answers and some are pretty honest about not having any answers at all. A friend of mine whose children are in college said, "I have no idea how they got to college and stayed out of trouble. I think it's luck. I have no advice for you." Her brutal honesty was a godsend, but then, there are also parents out there that think it is their duty to call out other parents if they think they do not agree with their parenting style or disagree with the choices they are making for their child. Add COVID-19 or, as my sister-in-law would say, "the Rona" into the mix, and it's like throwing a barrel of gasoline onto the fire. Raising our typical child, I'm used to the usual conversations that give other parents an idea of what sort of "team" you are on. Do we homeschool? Do we do private or public school? Are we strict with electronics, or are we hands-off with electronics? Snapchat or no Snapchat? The list goes on and no. Eventually, based on the answers, parents will file you in their minds on what you in their minds on what "team" you are on.

While doing this sort of dance, each parent is either feeling extremely guilty about their choices because they don't measure up to the other high achieving parents, or they are feeling quite proud of themselves by making it to the "high achieving team". Either way, one thing is certain – parents want to feel support from other parents and be assured that what choices they are making are good enough. That's what we all want but, for some reason, playing this game while raising our child with autism feels different. It hurts more because I seem to feel more of a sense of desperation and a lack of patience while listening to the other side of the debate. "Are you kidding me? You don't get to judge me. I've walked through fire."

Last week, Mark and I had a parent conference with our son's behavioral therapist to discuss his progress and the way ahead. I noticed some of her techniques helping Broden's attention at the table were really creative and helpful, but I had not seen a BCBA use that approach before. She agreed, "It works for Broden, so I'm open to it. I've been reading a lot of blogs about parents who are against ABA. I'm really taking a lot of time to understand where they are coming from because they deserve to be heard."

She also told me there were quite a few people with autism that have been vocal about how ABA can be considered inhumane to the child. At the end of the parent session, she said, "This is what I do. I believe in it, but I also am willing to listen and learn. My goal is to work with Broden and take time to realize what he is telling me even if he isn't using words." I liked what I heard and reiterated my opinion about making sure the team that works with your child is the right fit. I've told her I'm "that crazy obsessive mom" and she continues to work with me anyway.

GAME PLAN: "I read quite a few articles from people who were for and against ABA. Frankly, I knew there was a vocal movement that is against ABA and the comments defending their opinion were very passionate, but a response from a parent made me stop and reflect. 'What do we do for our child then if ABA is not the answer?'"

Later that day after our parent session, I visited quite a few blogs and read articles from people who were for and against ABA. Frankly, I knew there was a vocal movement that is against ABA and the comments defending their opinion were very passionate, but a response from a parent made me stop and reflect. "What do we do for our child then if ABA is not the answer? We were always told that ABA was what our child needed. Now you're telling me we are hurting our child. What do we do then? Our child needs help."

This response hurt because I could feel his desperation. It's tough enough being a parent, but raising a child with special needs is beyond tough. You research, you put a plan in place, hoping for the best to only be told that your plan wasn't the right choice. You're racing against the clock because you're also told that early intervention is key. Then you're told that you chose the wrong path. You can't go back in time.

You can only move forward. I felt for this parent. I rested my elbows on the desk and put my hands on my face. He doesn't need to be told he did it wrong. He needs to be reassured that he has the power to make sure it's right for his child. We need to stop judging each other and instead, reinforce the fact that we all need to keep doing the best we can as parents.

As far as ABA is concerned, if it works for your child, then keep your child in the program. If it doesn't work for your child, then either continue to look for an ABA program that will work with you and your child, or reach out to parent support groups that can provide some other options. ABA can work if your child is thriving and you are involved in the process every step of the way.

What team am I on? I'm on everyone's team. We're writing the parenting manual as we go, and the only way we can ensure that we are doing the best we can is to listen to our heart, our gut, and be cognizant of what our child is trying to communicate to us, may it be through words or behavior. I don't care what anyone else says, we know our children better than anyone and we, as their parents, have their best interest at heart, autism or not. •

PUZZLES & CAMO

Shelly Huhtanen is an Army wife stationed at Fort Benning, GA who has a child with autism. She enjoys sharing her experiences of day-to-day life caring for her son with autism while serving as an Army spouse. She authored "Giving a Voice to the Silent Many" that encompasses many stories of raising a child with autism in the military. Shelly is passionate about autism advocacy for our military and works to bring awareness to our local legislators and command about providing better support for our military autism community, such as better health care and education.