COVER STORY

Here are some ways you can make a huge and meaningful difference in their lives. 

BY DEANNA PICON

"I really don't want to go shopping at the mall today. People are mean and make fun of us." And my mother turned around, looked at me and said "Tomorrow is another day. It'll get better. You wait and see." And she was right, all those years ago. This is one of the many reasons why I buy her a "World's Best Mom" card every Mother's Day. She's a very wise woman.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

A shopping trip to the supermarket. A simple meal at a fast food restaurant. A good time at the movies. For most people, these are simple, ordinary and enjoyable activities. But for many special needs parents, participating in these everyday events can be stress ful and overwhelming.

Venturing out in public with their disabled child can be a very embarrassing and shameful experience. And it isn't always their child's condition or meltdowns that cause their anxiety. Often times, it's the negative and unpleasant behavior of strangers or other members of the public who make these parents feel unnecessarily bad about their situation.

Now to be fair, I'm confident that most people don't get up in the morning and say "I'm going to purposely humiliate a special needs parent." In fact, I'm sure that a majority of the public are totally unaware of the impact their behavior has on these families.

However, parents of special needs children deserve your respect and support. They are "hidden heroes" who bravely face autism and all the overwhelming challenges and huge responsibilities that accompany it. Here are some ways you can make a huge and meaningful difference in their lives:

1. BE SYMPATHETIC

This is the easiest and most considerate thing a person can do. Just put yourself in their position. Keep in mind, these parents are just like you. Every day, they get up, work hard and provide for their families. They go grocery shopping, buy gas for their cars, wash clothes at the laundromat and do a hundred other things that we all do in our daily lives.

But, unlike you, special needs parents have to put on an invisible armor of protection as they tread out into their communities with their special needs child, for they know what awaits them. "What's wrong with that girl? She looks funny." "Shut that kid up. He's making stupid sounds." "What kind of dad lets his son do that? He acts like an animal." "I'm glad I don't have a kid like that."

How would you feel if you had to constantly shield blatant stares, have people point at you and make snide remarks while looking and wondering why you can't control your young or adult child?

There are many who fail to realize that it's hard enough raising a special needs child without the whole world staring, passing judgements and making disrespectful comments. It will be a wonderful day when people understand that an autistic child or adult can't help exhibiting the traits of autism any more than a child with one leg can help limping.

These parents have to turn the other cheek and take the high road when they hear people laughing, whispering or saying hurtful things about their child's inappropriate behavior. But over time, to their credit, they learn how to develop a thick skin, take a deep breath and resist the urge to punch everyone who looks at their kid strangely. That's character building in action!

2. HAVE PATIENCE AND CONSIDERATION

Here's a little quiz for you. Answer either a, b, c or d. Question #1. If you were behind an elderly woman, who was walking with a cane and crossing the street, what would you do? a) push her out your way into oncoming traffic b) yell and scream at her to get out of your way c) help her cross the street safely d) none of the above

Now, I'm not a gambling person, but I would bet a few hundred dollars that 95% of the general public would choose answer "c." And that would be the right thing to do.

Question #2. If you were behind a disabled boy, who has leg braces on and was walking on a crowded street, what would you do? a) walk quickly by him, brushing him out of your way b) walk slowly behind him, looking annoyed and yelling at him to hurry up c) walk patiently and slowly behind him d) none of the above

I'd guess that 65% of the public would choose answer "c." And why is that? Why does the public typically act one way toward the elderly and another toward the disabled? I'm sure it's because our society is conditioned to treat the elderly with the utmost respect, understanding and compassion. Most people are raised early on to respect our elders.

So why wouldn't one show the same kindness and compassion to disabled children and adults that one shows to the elderly? After all, they aren't all that much different. They both need your help, guidance and support. It's important to try to remember this the next time you're out in the community and encounter a special needs family.

A SEAT AT THE TABLE: Individuals with special needs are part of our communities, and it's important for them to function within our society to the best of their abilities. Welcome them with a simple smile or approving nod. It doesn't cost you anything and it will definitely make their day as well as those who accompany them.

3. ASSIST IF YOU CAN

Small acts of kindness can have a big impact. For example, if you're waiting on a supermarket check-out line and you notice a parent behind you who is having a hard time with his/her disabled child, offer to let the parent go ahead of you. If you see a special needs child getting tired and irritable while standing in line, offer to find a store employee who may be able to bring a wheelchair for the child, so she/he can be more comfortable. Restaurant employees can also help create a pleasant dining experience. One suggestion is offering a special needs family a booth or table that's in a relatively quiet and non-crowded area of the restaurant. This will allow them to avoid the harsh glare of many who may frown upon or make fun of their child's eating habits or table manners.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR DEDICATION

All parents who stay and accept the challenges of raising a child with autism or special needs deserve a medal for courage. They have faced up to their responsibilities even though it has meant braving unchartered territory. Even though they didn't know what was ahead, they took a deep breath and walked on.

So, in addition to all of the activities and obligations of any parent, they have to handle therapists' appointments, medical appointments, extra hours for meeting their child's physical needs, research into educational programs… the list goes on and on.

They do the best they can, often putting their own personal and professional needs on the back burner, out of love and devotion to their child. Because of their determination, their child will have a better life. That's something worth patting them on the back about.

So, wouldn't it be great to let them know they're doing an amazing job? Express your support. Words of encouragement and praise are a great morale booster. Tell them "You're a wonderful parent. Your child is blessed to have you in his life," or "I admire your devotion to your family." Little gestures can also go a long way. We all hear about "pay it forward" activities. These are simple and creative ways to spread a little kindness and joy in the world. You can really make a parent's day by offering to buy a cup of coffee or a bag of apple slices for their child at a fast food restaurant.

5. BE PART OF THE CHANGE

Special needs individuals are part of our communities. And it's important for them to function within our society to the best of their abilities. When they're out in public with their parents, school personnel or other groups, welcome them with a simple smile or approving nod. It doesn't cost you anything and it will definitely make their day as well as those who accompany them.

For many individuals, it takes a lot of work to be out in public because of mobility, behavioral or other issues. Always keep in mind, they are doing their best and should be praised for their efforts and not mocked. Going to everyday places such as local libraries and doing self-sufficient activities like grocery-shopping is the only way they will learn and grow.

People just have to remember that they're human too. They have feelings, and good and bad days, like the rest of us. They don't deserve to feel uncomfortable or unwanted for trying to be part of the community where they live and, perhaps, work.

6. INCREASE PUBLIC AWARENESS

As our country recognizes National Autism Awareness month, hundreds of autism organizations, local businesses and thousands of people will bring much-needed attention to the key issues and topics surrounding autism, as well as the plight of the millions of children and adults it affects. Prominent national landmarks will light up in blue, autism walks will be held throughout the country and major fundraising campaigns will be conducted to raise money for increased research.

This is a perfect time to learn more about autism. Watch a TV news report, read an article or go online to gain a better understanding of this disorder. Start a conversation with a friend or family member. If you can, participate in a local autism event in your area. You don't have to be personally affected by autism to become involved in charitable activities such as a walk or community fundraiser. Purchase goods and services from companies that contribute to autism-related causes. Donations to local and national autism organizations are always welcome and appreciated.

WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

As members of the community, special needs parents also have to do our part to communicate and encourage a better understanding of our children and families. When out in public, we should try to move beyond the stigmas and view it as an opportunity to educate others by our examples. It may not be easy, but we can make an effort. We can help eliminate common misconceptions about individuals with disabilities and replace them with facts.

Obviously, not all people are bad, ignorant and judgmental. There are still nice, kind and compassionate people in the world. And while many have been raised to respect the elderly, there are those who were raised to be fearful of, and told not to engage with the disabled. Hopefully, in time, this will change. My mother always told me the best thing we can do in life is follow the golden rule: Treat others as we would like to be treated. And if we all did this, what a wonderful world it would be.

SHOPPING IS A BREEZE

These days, going to the mall is fine. I often wear my "Proud Autism Mom" or "Special Needs Parents Rock" tee-shirts during the summer and I use my "autism ribbon" shopping bag yearround. And every once in a while, I'll get a high five, thumbs up or "way to go" shout-out from fellow shoppers, which always bring a smile to my face. There's no room for embarrassment anymore; only pride for me and my family, which is the way it was always meant to be.•

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Deanna Picon is the founder of Your Autism Coach, LLC, which provides personalized guidance, comprehensive support programs and seminars for parents of special needs children. Her personal mission is to empower parents as they advocate for their children, while balancing productive work and family lives. She received her BA in psychology and BA in broadcast journalism from Syracuse University. Deanna is a parent of a non-verbal, young man with autism. She is the author of The Autism Parents' Guide to Reclaiming Your Life, available from Amazon and through her website, yourautismcoach.com. Email her at info@yourautismcoach.com