Getting Your Child Un-Stuck from Anxiety and Inaction

BY RENEE DORMOIS SULLINS

As I reflect back on my journey as a parent, especially during my daughter's preteen and teen years, I remember having no idea why my very bright child was not using her potential, and was fighting against me when she needed to get things done. I initially thought it was typical adolescent "laziness." Seeing her struggle and constantly battling with her was frustrating, heart-breaking, irritating and exhausting; as we tried to do everything we could to move her forward, trying to find something to motivate her to stay on task, to finish her work, and to think about the consequences of her INACTION.

We were at a loss. We tried counseling, nutritional changes in her diet (this was before accurate health information was so readily available about what is truly healthy and what is not), had her take learning differences testing—you name it.

We spent lots of time and money to no avail. Like they say, if I only knew then what I know now. What I know now would have saved all of us a lot of stress, as well as time that we could have been enjoying being together as a family. That's why I am passionate about helping teens and parents of teens, especially those students with ADD, ADHD and/or clinical anxiety; I've been in that parent's shoes. Sadly, my daughter wasn't properly diagnosed until she had a breakdown her first year of college and we had to withdraw her from school. Then, it all made sense why she behaved as she did and why she'd struggled so much. I want parents to feel empowered about natural, practical steps to help their teens thrive.

Parents come to me all the time telling me the same things: "worn-out,", " done everything I think I can do," "I have begged and pleaded" with their teen to do their homework and study; and most important… I hear, "I just want him/her to be happy."

Our stress over our kids' procrastination and failure to function effectively/efficiently, causes them stress as well. This typically leads to arguments, emotional distancing, anxiety, depression and a very unhappy child.

When you have a child you KNOW is intelligent and capable of success, but you see them in a pattern of doing "everything last minute" aka the "P-word" Procrastination – it's tempting not to push them, give them ultimatums, and instruct them in the ways that work for you to get your "to-do" list done.

As a Life Coach, and as one who has mentored hundreds of students for the past 12 years through my own nonprofit organization, I've realized that a teen doing what works best for them, and obeying their parents' rules, do not have to be mutually exclusive. As adults, we all have ways of doing things that seem to "click" for us, patterns we've developed that seems quite effortless and second nature. Some of us are productive in the morning, while others have their creative energy kick in later at night. Some of us learn best by doing, others by hearing, and others by seeing, and some even like myself, are a hybrid of learning modalities.

However, as parents, we often don't realize that our teens are the same way! They are wired to work their best under certain circumstances, just like we are. One of my favorite examples is of a ninth-grade client of mine. She was always "very distracted" while studying and couldn't complete her work in a timely manner. This upset her and caused her stress, frustration, a nervous stomach – all this, even to the point of tears when she was "so behind". She longed for the self-discipline to do everything she knew she could; yet, she was stuck in a cycle of procrastination, which perpetuated her stress response.

So, one of the initial things we looked at was where she was studying – at the dining room table. Sound familiar? I asked where she really wanted to study and it was, of course, her room. What teen's room isn't their sanctuary? First, I encouraged her to ask her mother's permission to make the switch from the dining room to the bedroom – something most parents of distracted teens may not been too keen on. But, her mom was willing to give it a try.

Next, we focused on what needed to be done in order to make this work. What might need to be physically moved, or removed, in her room to make it conducive to a great study environment? Once the young lady saw that she could make a change to her environment to make it work for her, not against her, she thrived! Mom was very pleased with the results and one of her daughter's instructors even sent home a note shortly after this shift, and acknowledged the positive and successful changes in her coursework.

Time management is very personal to the individual. Just because, say the planner, with refillable pages works for the parent, this doesn't mean it will work for your teen. Some prefer wall calendars, some like girly floral planners, some use Google calendar, some use large desk calendars – it has to be what works for them.

As a parent, I know giving up the "control" in certain areas can be tough. But when we look at areas where we have suggested, or even imposed, our way of doing it, on or teen… those are capacities that may need to be approached with an open mind for change.

Another reason for your teen being "stuck" may be related to their health. Our minds and bodies cannot be viewed as operating independently of one another. When we try to separate the two, there is an imbalance that can manifest in ways that present obstacles to learning and to overall mental health and happiness. Many teens suffer from poor eating habits, poor gut health, poor sleep habits, too much exposure to electronics, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, lack of exercise and not getting enough the fresh air and sunshine. All of these factors can contribute to poor brain health, leading to poor concentration, low motivation, low energy, and a distracted mind. And for those who already struggle with ADD and ADHD, dietary changes can be very effective. Thus, a holistic approach is imperative in determining the real reason your teen is stuck. Once these elements are addressed, even long-term problems often resolve themselves, moving your teen from just sitting in their potential, to walking fearlessly into their success.

It's said that "water follows the path of least resistance." This sen"it's said that 'water follows the path of least resistance.' this sentiment is often true of our actions, especially with a teen that is struggling to experience forward movement." ABOUT THE AUTHOR: timent is often true of our actions, especially with a teen that is struggling to experience forward movement. To quote Roy T. Bennett from The Light in the Heart, "The comfort zone is a psychological state in which one feels familiar, safe, at ease, and secure. If you always do what is easy and choose the path of least resistance, you never step outside your comfort zone. Great things don't come from comfort zones." We are all successful at taking the path of least resistance, especially when we lack the motivation, or confidence, or know-how to do something. Chances are, your son or daughter knows what they can achieve, and they truly want to, they just don't know how. Here's where mindset-shifting work can be most beneficial. This is like rewiring the brain to form sustainable habits based on the "why" behind the behavior and the desire.

This is why it's imperative to dig deep and find out just what is slowing your child down and getting in the way of achieving all they can with the gifts they have been given. Without the "why," you can't move forward with the "how."

In order to finish what you start, you have to start. That can be the hardest part. But, with the right tools and accountability, your teen will feel empowered and have the confidence and ability to START. And once they do, great things can happen! •

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Renee Dormois Sullins, is the founder of Head2ToCoaching, and is a Holistic Health & Wellness & Life Coach for high school students, as well as college students. She's also the founder of Tapestry of Hope, and has mentored over 400 disadvantaged teens since 2006 as a volunteer. She has a passion to give hope to parents who struggle with bright children who suffer with learning differences. Learn more at www. Head2toecoaching.com