Ordinary Does Not Mean Exempt

SHELLY HUHTANEN

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS: The wise caterpillar tells Alice, "Have higher expectations if you want improvement, and lower expectations if you want contentment… and if you want to feel big enough already and satisfied with others, deliver lower expectations."

I am ordinary and not exempt from any challenges, and that includes having a son with autism.

"I commend you. I truly believe God only gives special children, like your son, to special parents." Someone said this to me the other day in the parking lot as I was walking with Broden. We were in town and planning on picking up Hayden from school since his basketball practice kept him after school until five in the afternoon. People have said this before and I think they say this because, as usual, they don't have anything to say. I know their heart is in the right place, but it becomes harder and harder to think that I was special enough to receive a special child. I'm not special. My son just happens to have autism. At this point, I'm not expecting any accolades or parties thrown for me because I'm still upright and somewhat functioning. Really, it's fine.

I'm not special. I'm not exempt from being thrown a curve ball in life thinking, "Whoa, I didn't see that coming." Lots of crazy things happen. On cracked.com I learned that I am more likely to get attacked by a shark than win the Powerball. This statistic will not keep me away from the beach every summer. I still love my dog, Bocephus—even though I am more likely to accidentally be shot by my dog than if I owned a cat. There is a 1 in 645 chance of someone dying in a car accident, but we still get in the car and drive to work and our children to therapy every day. Most important of all, as of April 2018, 1 in 59 children has autism. The numbers are still more prevalent in boys, 1 in 37 according to this year's statistics. 

I had a friend a few years ago say, "I don't know how you do it. I could never do what you do." I responded, "Yes, you could. I know you could and you would because it's your child." I still remember sitting in the bathroom on the toilet seat the day after Broden's diagnosis in Kansas. I held my head in my hands and kept telling myself that it was a mistake. I kept telling myself that this wasn't supposed to happen to me. Fast forward 10 years and I have a completely different outlook on that moment. I wish I could go back in time and given that scared Mom a pep talk, "Why not you? You aren't special. You aren't exempt from bad things happening. Why not you?" What I should have been saying is, "Ok, now what's my plan?"

I think there is something to be said for realizing that we can't live with thinking we are exempt from experiencing events that will challenge us. That means that we would be expecting to live without living. My son has autism, but that doesn't mean I feel I got a raw deal. I'm just living on a different path than someone else who may be challenged in a different way and that includes accidentally being shot by their dog. I was reading an I was reading an  enlightening article by Jeremy Sherman in Psychology Today. The article was about happiness and compassion. The basis of the article was, in order to live a happy and compassionate life, have low expectations. Being an Army wife of almost 16 years, I had to giggle as I was reading the article. I could have told Dr. Sherman that every time I open up a box at our new installation to find a broken lamp or a broken bookcase, I stay sane by keeping low expectations. When I think we are moving to a new installation and then find out that not only are we are not moving to that place, but we won't know where we are moving for about nine months, I keep my low expectations.

To further describe the concept of low expectations, Dr. Sherman quotes the caterpillar who gives insight to Alice in Wonderland when she cannot decide if she wants to be tall or short. She has the option to be either one, but she cannot decide. The wise caterpillar says, "Have higher expectations if you want improve ment, and lower expectations if you want contentment…and if you want to feel big enough already and satisfied with others, deliver lower expectations." When we graduate school, we are taught to have such high expectations, and when we have children, we have a predisposition to want our children to not make the same mistakes as we did—and for him/her to be better than we were or more accomplished. Such high expectations are set and that only leads to regret and disappointment.

I want to remember the wise words of the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland. I want contentment. I am ordinary and not exempt from any challenges, and that includes having a son with autism. My low expectations do not mean that I do not think my son will not be whoever he wants to be in life, or that he will not find happiness and fulfillment. What I am saying is that my son will never need to earn or work for my love. He already has my love and always will have it. •

PUZZLES & CAMO Shelly Huhtanen is an Army wife stationed at Fort Benning, GA who has a child with autism. She enjoys sharing her experiences of day-to-day life caring for her son with autism while serving as an Army spouse. She authored "Giving a Voice to the Silent Many" that encompasses many stories of raising a child with autism in the military. Shelly is passionate about autism advocacy for our military and works to bring awareness to our local legislators and command about providing better support for our military autism community, such as better health care and education.