should be aware of. Traffic, bullies and even child predators. However, when teaching children to be vigilant, it is important to use developmentally appropriate language. Threeyear-olds and thirteen-year-olds understand the concept of danger very differently, and conversations around safety should reflect that. Also, remember that difference in context.

While dangers clearly exist in this world, our children are not fighting an enemy and so the dangers are less probable. When discussing safety with your children, be sure to differentiate between “situational awareness” and hypervigilance or paranoia. While the first can help our children stay safe, the second can lead to phobias, chronic worry, and anxiety.

Self-Control: In the military, self-control and inner strength are essential, and are often represented by training service members to maintain a sense of stoicism. While strength and self-control are wonderful values to teach our children, the best way to teach children is not the same as how it is trained in service members.

"Giving children developmentally appropriate information and allowing them opportunities to provide input about family experiences, transitions, and decisions is essential for children to make meaning of and experience some sense of control in the world."

To understand this, it is important to consider children's development and context in which stoicism is used. In war, you are expected to see and experience incredibly difficult and even traumatic events. There may be times that you must push through them or "drink water, drive on" to survive. In contrast, our goal in raising children is to provide a nurturing, safe, and predictable environment. Therefore, the context of the environment is completely different than at war. In fact, when raising children, it is our job as parents to teach our children to identify and appropriately express our full range of emotions. This means teaching our children to regulate the expression of emotions (which is where self-control comes in), but not to ignore or hide them.

AND WHAT SHOULD YOU ADD?

Military training and values have the potential to provide so much for service members and their families. And yet, because of the context and purpose of the military, they cannot provide all that is needed to raise children. Below are a few things to consider intentionally adding to your parenting toolbox. I want to stress here that the principles below are in no way incongruent with military culture. In fact, I would argue that they fit right in and many service members who are successful and satisfied in their jobs use these tools.

Two-way communication: For important reasons, the military is structured in strict hierarchies. While there are individual differences in leadership styles, much information is communicated in one direction, on a "need to know" basis, and service members can be punished for questioning leadership authority.

Hierarchy is important in families as well. Parents are largely the decision makers and children should not be given all of the information all of the time. Yet, as our children develop, so should our communication with them. Giving children developmentally appropriate information and allowing them opportunities to provide input about family experiences, transitions, and decisions is essential for children to make meaning of and experience some sense of control in the world. In contrast, keeping children in the dark because "they are just children" can be frustrating, confusing, and scary.

Emotional connection: You can think of this as the flip side of stoicism. Our children need to know that we are there for them not only physically, but also emotionally. This means providing an environment that makes it safe to appropriately express any emotions (by appropriately, I mean saying "I'm angry" vs. hitting your sister), and that you appropriately share your emotions with the family as well.

This doesn't mean sharing all emotions you have all the time. However, it does mean sharing enough that your family can understand your actions. This emotional connection is vital for your children to build a strong and healthy attachment to you and your spouse.

Finding your balance: All families are unique. What works for one family may not work for another, and it may take some trial and error to find the right balance of how much to incorporate (or not) military values into your family. If you work to keep in mind the context and intention of these values, as well as how to incorporate them in developmentally appropriate ways for your children, be confident. That balance will come.•

The next excerpt in this series will appear in the February 2023 issue of EP Magazine.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Vanessa M. Jacoby, PhD, ABPP is an Associate Professor within the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at UT Health San Antonio, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, and Board Certified in Behavioral and Cognitive Psychology. She is a team member of the STRONG STAR Multidisciplinary Research Consortium whose mission is to alleviate and prevent posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other deployment related problems in active duty service members, veterans, and their families. Dr. Jacoby is the program director for the Strong Families Support and Prevention Program on Ft. Hood, which provides prevention and trauma-focused intervention services to military families experiencing military-related transitions, such as deployment, or post-traumatic reactions.